REBOOT: Proximity Isn’t The Flex You Think It Is

Hello friends,

It’s time for the monthly trawl through the archives. It’s a couple of years since this article on proximity was first published and it still rings true. I’ve updated it with some new links and a couple of relevant Instagram galleries, but otherwise, it’s pretty much as originally written. Check it out…

Proximity Isn’t The Flex You Think It Is

I know some white people may be offended by this but it needs to be said: proximity to a Black or Global Majority person doesn’t make you an expert on their experience. For sure, you have a ringside seat to many of the oppressions they face. And because you care about them, you can empathise with their pain but, and it’s an important but, you don’t have the same experience - viscerally - that they do. It’s another of those cases where you need to know what you don’t know.

In the past, I’ve talked about the “Black friend defence” - the use of a Black person you happen to know as a way to undermine the validity of what the Black person in front of you is saying. There’s also the “Black partner defence” which is (you guessed it) the use of a Black person you’re married to or partnered with to undermine the validity of what the Black person in front of you is saying.

It’s time for that to stop. Seriously, it’s another manifestation of white supremacy. And I have to wonder if your Black friend or partner appreciates being used this way.

Now, if you’re doing it with context, that’s one thing. I publish a whole newsletter and I have said stuff in here you can quote, but when you do that, remember that I am not a monolith. I have had certain experiences around the globe that inform what I write and speak about, and how I do that. Many of those experiences give me things in common with Black people around the world; but some are unique to my own cultural background. If you have learned things on your journey that you believe reflect a collective view, you certainly can share those, but be mindful of the fact that you might not know it all. After all, who does?

Instead of going straight for the Black friend defence, question your own motivations for using it. Are you doing it because your actual Black friend said something relevant to what you’re talking about? Or because you have a number of Black friends who share this opinion and it’s therefore a kind of collective expression? That might be ok.